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19 December 2012 @ 10:17 pm
Okay so here's the update on my life, I suppose? As good as it's gonna get, anyways.

Well I finished my semester with my mental health relatively in tact. I think I did okay, too, considering it's been a while since I've done anything degree-related. Not as well as I would have liked but it's a process.
The last week or so I've been having some difficult PTSD-related anxiety issues, which are essentially just the by-product of dealing with a rape from last year that I never really bothered to deal with because I didn't have the mental energy to do so. Basically I'm scared of anything sexual? Out of nowhere? AND EVERYONE KNOWS I'm extraordinarily sex-positive so this is weird for me. I mean I panicked over the thought of a friend being even a little bit...idk whats the word i'm looking for? Well I was basically freaking out because I was worried he might bring up something sexual and like that the hell is that? Since when? It's whatever but yeahhh there's that and then also it's christmas/new years so I've been especially missing Ariel which has caused me on more than one occasion to drop to the floor sobbing hysterically in the middle of the night. I haven't done much in the way of being social, I've been hanging out with this friend of mine, Dane, but WOW WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON HOLY SHIT but he's sweet and it's nice to get out of the house I guess. Mostly I just want to lay in bed and watch Supernatural because Jay's not around (much, he's been back on and off but my BPD is being off the wall and I'll elaborate on that in a moment) and I just don't feel like doing shit ugh idk. I almost want to just start next semester already because I want this degree to be done with so I can fucking GO and DO STUFF I'm so sick of being stuck in this piece of shit city. Also my dad is off for the winter and my mum is working full time which means it's just me and him in this house and throwing two people together with Borderline and forcing them to share a living quarters 24 hours a day is like a sick version of the Hunger Games and I just want none of it. It's like walking on goddamn glass with him and I can't handle his shit and I'm seriously so on edge it's not good for anyone ughhhbfhskjdhfjsldf do not want it.

OkAY SO elaborating on my BPD-ness and Jay and stuff. My fear of abandonment is kicking my ass and I'm having a massive internal battle because I'm partially like detached from the whole situation which is heartbreaking because I love the kid and the part of me that isn't detached is like "WHY BRAIN ARE YOU DOING THIS" but it is doing this because I can't handle people coming and going in and out of my life so hello defense mechanism. When he's around part of me is screaming to talk to him and be all normal and then the borderline part is like "no, don't do that, because it's not permanent and frankly you cannot handle any more anxiety at this point in time" so i'm just stuck in limbo and it's brutal ugh idk guys.

It is so often that I wish I could just erase my existence from time like when you fall into the cracks in Doctor Who. Like I never existed and nobody knows it and that's just the end of that because life is exhausting like how do people do this shit everyday ugh
08 July 2012 @ 04:03 pm
I think a lot of my mental fucked up-ness comes from my dad.
He's always been super emotionally abusive, he's constantly on a power trip and he has rage issues like I've never seen.
Ever since I can remember (my mum tells me from the time I was a baby) he would get mad at me if I cried. Like he would yell and scream at me to stop crying and to stop being so sensitive. I was a little fucking kid what do you want, an iron armor? fuck outta here.
He's also really liberal on the name calling - when we get into fights he often calls me a "fucking little bitch" and my mum a "fucking bitch" when she defends me or my brother.
He's got this huge hate on for my brother like it's unreal, because my big bro isn't his (my mum had him long before they even met). I remember one specific occasion when my bro lived with us when my brother made eggs and toast for dinner and my dad screamed at him for using three eggs because he "doesn't need that many" (kid was like 24 years old and a good 200+ pounds built like a brick shithouse) and my dad "wanted three for the morning". Immediately after my bro sat at the table and was proceeded to be screamed at because my dad was "going to sit there". This guy flies off the fucking handle at everything.

So he's sending out a letter or some shit and asked me to go get stamps from my gramma cause she has like 49385345 rolls of them because she gets 'em free. So I did and I told my mum to put two on just incase because the letter looked kind of thick from where I was sitting and I wanted to make sure it got there and they didn't send it back because of weight. Cue my dad immediately like flipping out and rushing over and grabbing the stamps out of her hand and going YOU WILL NOT, THATS A WASTE OF STAMPS THERES NO NEED ITS NOT THICK AT ALL ITS ONE PIECE OF PAPER AND TWO RECEIPTS. I was like whoa okay why are you getting mad? and he yells at me and goes (with this like disgusting look of rage in his eyes) "I'M NOT GETTING FUCKING MAD YOU'RE OVER REACTING". Me and my mum just looked at each other and I got up and walked away. Usually when I do that, he follows me and says things like "Oh now you're gonna cry stop being so fucking sensitive it's like we can't even have a conversation without you bursting into tears". I'm sorry, maybe I don't like getting screamed at for stupid pointless shit all my life. And he wonders why I lock myself in my room when he's home???

Idk. Being told I'm always overreacting (When I'm not) and to stop crying (when I'm legitimately upset) and the other day hes like "Yeah if you have a psych degree how come you haven't healed yourself yet?". Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize a bachelor of arts in psychology made me magically able to GET RID OF THREE EXTREMELY DEEP ROOTED MENTAL ILLNESSES considering you can't "cure" borderline and people with 38 times my experience have tried and failed.

Get the fuck out of here for real.
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04 July 2012 @ 11:07 pm
I admit, I got kinda snarky through parts but it was REALLY HARD to not hulk out over this convo.

uhh feminism pleaseCollapse )
28 May 2012 @ 09:16 am
So Saturday had a bit of a minor breakdown, but rewind to Fridayy!
I decided to take the weekend off and go hangout at the Weedon residence for some Zelda and second-family hangouts. I totally forgot Aaron moved back home, so his mum was like "you can sleep in Beccas room cause Aarons home now" and I was thinking "I could just sleep in aarons room cause we shared a bed last time I was there like 3 weeks ago??" but whatevz. So I show up and I walk upstairs to burst in his room and yell "HEY ASSBUTT" but I took a step in and saw him laying in bed with his girlfriendthing? So I just kinda backed out and they didn't see me, and proceeded to just. go downstairs.
Anyways so Friday night she stayed over and Saturday they painted his room and she spent the night again. There was a point on Saturday, when we were eating dinner and the three of us were sitting on the couch, with Aaron between Kate and I. I had to choke down the rest of my dinner and get up and go isolate myself in Becca's room and THUS BEGINS BREAKDOWN.
Now let me make it clear that it's not that I'm...sad over AARON or that I'm not over him.
I mean, I'll love the kid till the day I die but it's more about seeing them act and talk the same way I spent a better part of two years acting and talking with him. So that triggered it, and then I got thinking about how now that Ariel's gone I have no one to talk to about this shit who knows what to do about it which lead to I have No One and I'm alone Forever and I have No Friends.
Honestly, it's a good thing Jay was online to talk to me because frankly it was just too much to handle. I ended up curling up in a ball and sleeping it off because I didn't know how else to cope with it.
Aaron obviously sensed I wasn't well, but every time he got a second away from her to ask me about it, she either came in or I was too choked up to say anything. I just said "I'm not well" and he put his hand on my head. When I left Sunday, she was gone and he hugged me for a really long time.

I don't know. I feel so very much alone like I'm the only person on the planet sometimes. I no longer have anyone to help me and as much as I always said I didn't want anyones help, that's entirely false. I just can't burden anyone else with my shit when everyone has their own to deal with.
08 April 2012 @ 06:42 pm
So I suppose I should make an update for anyone whose been wondering wtfs happening with mee.

I ended up going to the hospital the other week with my mum, but as it turns out, our mental health facilities are all but non-existent in this city. SO, I ended up having an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist, which mummy came to and they basically sat there and talked about me while I tried to defend myself xD ("I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC." "Mum slitting my wrist isn't new I've been doing that since I was like, 11", "k but seriously I only drink on weekends! And if theres something going on during the week. also, if I have money. not an alcoholic.") He ended up prescribing me 25mg of seroquel, 5mg of olanzapine and my same dosage (20mg) of cipralex and enrolled me in two groups, for mood disorders and for anxiety disordes. I also got my complete list of diagnoses, PTSD, General Anxiety, Bipolar II, BPD and a healthy dose of depression. Like, is that even possible? To have all that at once? Whatever, anyways. I've been on basically lockdown since then, my parents are all freaked out about me going anywhere that isn't with David or Ariel because they think I'm "fragile" or some shit. I'm better now, but that's probably medication talking. I've been going thru some shit with Casper, in that he got back with his lying, cheating skankbag of an 18-year-old exgirlfriend because she put on a hell of an act like she was remorseful. I found her Plenty of Fish account a few days ago, that she had recently been on, so I mean, she can't be TOO remorseful. She just knew I was moving in "her territory" and didn't like it I guess haha. Whatever, that won't last, he tells me he's unhappy and he's basically just with her because he can't let go of the past and all that, which I can understand.

BECAUSE. Speaking of letting go of the past,
yesterday I headed out to Aaron's family's house for easter dinner lmfao. I spent the majority of the time hanging out with his mum and sister, and his mum asked me to come hangout with them for the weekend this upcoming weekend. Like, he won't even be there. His family just loves me more than him. She also gave me the first season of GoT on DVD bahaha. Coming home from there was a little difficult, driving down the familiar roads in his truck, laughing our asses off at each other. I mean, I'm over him in the sense that I no longer want to be with him, but damn if being around him doesn't remind me of a time when I was literally crazy in love.
I've also been hanging out with David a lot because he's very protective of me and takes care of me and makes me feel worth something, but in NO WAY do I want to ever get back with him. I guess it's kind of like I love him like a brother? I'm not sexually attracted to him, and I feel really comfortable with him.

So I've been holed up in my room watching Supernatural, occasionally venturing out to get my drink on with people. I got to see Jaimie this weekend, I haven't really hung out with her proper for like..yeeears so it was wicked good to be around her.
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01 December 2011 @ 06:30 am
Everytime I get a little better, I get infinitely worse immediately after. It's like a calm before the storm and the hurricanes just keep getting worse over time.

I could have everything I want and nothing would change. I could have Aaron be a perfectly decent human being to me and be with him, I could have the best friends with no drama, I could (and do) have an extremely supportive, incredible family, and I would still never be okay. Even with nothing to worry about or be upset about, I would be just as bad off. That's how fucked up mental illness is. I'm in no environment to justify my bipolar and borderline. My family is great. I'm middle-class. So why do I wake up every day, wanting to die? Why is my "condition" getting worse? I thought after pills and DBT and therapy and psychiatrists and psychologists I'd be better equipped to deal with it, but it's degenerating too fast for me to keep a hold of it. How much longer am I going to have to sink with this ship before I'm allowed to drown?
05 October 2011 @ 07:55 am
This is just rambling. Needs to get out of my head.

My headdd.
Continual war.
I've been sitting for hours at the end of my bed, legs hanging over the edge. I feel like I've been watching a movie of all the moments in my life. The ones who meant something, the ones who didn't. All the people. everyone and every time and everything. Every breath. and then, all the pain. All the fucking pain. and how much I resent everyone for keeping me here. How it would kill my mum and how mad everyone would be and how much I would let everyone down. Stronger than that. Better than that. How can you be stronger than being in pain every time you inhale? You would miss the beauty! The savannah, the mountains in Indonesia, the Australian outback, Iceland, all those places and things you need to do. These places are too far and too much and I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this one 5'4" prison cell. No amount of chasing down babirusas or trumping through the jungle is going to set me free of this prison in my head. Always so hopeful. This time, the meds will work. This time, the therapy will work. This time, I'll try DBT! CBT? Inpatient? Nothing, never, no good.
I can't fix things. I can't function. I'm something broken. Always something cracked, not quite right. Fix this, that goes. I'm half a life, half a human.
I would rather kick someone out of my life then trust. I haven't got the resources.
Every day, it's like I've just fought the emotional equivalent of the Battle of Thermopylae, and I'm losing. I'm no spartan. 21 years of fighting. I'm just so, so exhausted.
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16 November 2010 @ 12:45 am
Regarding BPD and being a slut (and why you shouldn't judge me as such)

Why might people with BPD be more promiscuous? One possibility is that people with BPD use sex to combat feelings of emptiness that are associated with the disorder. When feeling empty, numb, lonely, or bored, sex may generate positive emotional responses.

You would think this were self-explanatory, but it's taken me /this long/ to clue in about why I am the way I am about casual sex, and why, infact, that ALL sex is casual sex to me. In other words Why Sex and Love Are Two Totally Fucking Different Things and Just Because I Am Sleeping With You Doesn't Mean I Even Like You.

The latter has always been glaringly obvious for me - being sexually abused as a child takes away any sort of "sacredness" of sex. Sex is not between two loving individuals, it's between whoever the fuck, and it's DEFINITELY A POWER THING. To me, sex has ALWAYS = power. If I'm the one in control if it, I am the one in power. A problem for BPD is the sense of having no control over your life - everything is fucking wild and crazy insane and insane crazy and I think maybe that's why there's a lot of eating disorders within it - it gives you some semblance of control over yourself. I think for me, with sex, I've always felt that if I held power over someone through sexual means, they could not hold power over me. And, for the longest time, this proved true in my sexual and romantic relationships. That sums up reason numero uno.

The second thing is filling the empty void within us. There's that crushing, despairing emptiness that we all feel, and while the most common way to try to aid it is through relationships, well....relationships with borderlines are probably one of the most chaotic, ridiculous, TOTALLY NEAR IMPOSSIBLE TO MAINTAIN things ever. So, what is this culture's alternative to romantic love? SEXINGS. We know, obviously, that the casual sex partners do not love nor even necessarily have any feelings for us whatsoever, but for me, part of it is not waking up alone in an empty bed. It's feeling a body beside you. I have ridiculous monophobia, so just knowing there is someone in my proximity cools down my anxiety attacks.

So maybe, next time, before you want to go ahead and judge me for my promiscuity, think of two things. One, why the fuck can a woman not take hold of her sexuality like men are so commonly allowed to do? And two, fuck you, because maybe that one night stand saved my life in some weird, twisted way.
02 April 2010 @ 06:30 am
So the short of it:
Aaron and I have been hanging out because he wanted to "prove" he 'wants to be with me'.

Tonight, I find out he tries to get with not one, but TWO girls at the bar. He comes here at 4am, passes out drunk.


Yeah, he's been texting Christine like 8 times a day, everyday, asking her what shes doing and if she wants to hangout.

hahaaa. kay buddy.
It's 6:30, I couldn't get him up (I tried pouring water on him, twice) to kick his ass out.
once he wakes up, ah man. I can even make it look like an accident.

Doneeeee forever. No third chances homeboy.

So when he woke up I told him to GTFO.
he couldn't understand why. he didn't "know what he did". and was "suprised" when I told him. he then proceeded to walk I ASSUME back across town to his friends.
23 January 2010 @ 03:26 pm
Crazy things that can be explained about me through borderline, incase any of you wonder why the fuck I am the way I am.
(Brought on by my musings post-psychopathology class in which the entire session was dedicated to BPD and other "dramatic" personality disorders).

-My stalkerish posessiveness of people. Get the fuck away, they are mine.
-My paranoid delusions that people around me are going to leave me and/or that everyone is out to get me.
-My rapid changes in mood, occasionally with no apparent triggers.
-My rapid changes in personality. I'm introverted, extroverted, I'm sweet, I'm a huge cunt, I'm gay I'm straight I'm pansexual I'm a psych major I'm an anthro major I'm an anthro minor I'll graduate, I'll drop out.
-Sometimes I will love you, and sometimes I will hate you, and this will vary depending on the minute of the day, the weather, so on.
-Self destructive behaviours, ahoy. Self-harm, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, spending money I don't have, periods of being a slut.
-I will be the victim, always, of everything.

And so forth. I can recognize and understand why I do the things I do, but that has nothing to do with being able to stop them.
So why do I have friendships and (occasionally) long term relationships?
As my psych prof put it, "people with BPD need people close to them to form their lives around". If that makes any sense? I get my sense of self from the person(s) I am currently attached to. Also, because I am incredibly charming for the first little while until I turn into a terrible psycho bitch. But for some reason, you just can't leave ;D

Anyone who has spoken to me more than once probably recognizes all of these traits in me.

I felt the need to get this out, so excuse my BPD ramblings.

In somewhat related news, I am on the edge of murdering this girl Christine.
She's kind of close friends with Aaron, they went to high school together and are in the same group of friends and everything and she's like, obsessed with him. She texts him all the time, talks to him on msn and facebook constantly, hits on him and tests our boundaries continually. Now, everyone knows how RIDICULOUSLY TERRITORIAL I am. This does not bode well with me. I am okay with them being friends, but like back off. This doesn't account for my homicidal feelings towards her, so follow along with me now as I retell you the story of last weekend.

Last weekend we spent Saturday night in a really nice hotel in downtown Toronto. We had 10 people staying with us total (Me, Aaron, Christine, Tanner, Ike, Marco, Shauna, Melissa, Kyle, Mark). We had two king size beds, and two large-ish cots. Therefore, we could fit 3 people on each king bed, and two on each cot. Around 5am, Aaron decided it was time to go to bed, so he wanders into the darker, quieter room where our friend Kyle was already asleep in one of the king size beds. He gets in the middle of the bed and waits for me. As I walk into the room, Christine runs and jumps into bed beside him. Thank you, you fucking cunt, for being blatantly obvious. This is, of course, after spending THE ENTIRE NIGHT trashed drunk falling all over him. I'm talking, her head in his lap, her hands on his legs, etc. I was LITERALLY seeing red at this point, and I knew if I didn't just turn around and walk out, I would have more than likely thrown her out the 19th floor window. It wasn't just that she jumped into bed with him, it's that she took the ONLY other spot in the bed, reserved for me, beside my boyfriend, and gave me this BITCH SMUG LOOK that I would have liked to rip clean off her face. I told Aaron a few days later about all of this and how I can't fight for the boundaries of our relationship alone, and he said he doesn't intend to let me do it alone so thats a bit comforting. But everytime this bitch talks to him now, I feel like going and slitting her throat. I'm sorry, but you simply DO NOT work your way into someone elses relationship, especially mine. You had like, 4 years to get with him if you wanted to, but you didn't, so grow the fuck up.

That is all.